


And I Wanted to Know How It Felt (ABANDONED)

by cantfuckinbelievethis



Series: Prompts [26]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: M/M, Mickey moving on, Post-6x01, So much angst, ghost!ian, misgendering TW, not a getting back together fic, panic attacks tw, reverse iflh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-08-28 15:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8451157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantfuckinbelievethis/pseuds/cantfuckinbelievethis
Summary: Prompt: could you please do a little bit of a reversed version of IFLH? Ian’s soul somehow got stuck by Mickey’s side (Ian can be dead or not) and is forced to witness Mickey being heartbroken in prison/moving on and being intimate with someone that tells him how bad was for him (without being an insensitive jerk like Cxxxx). Plzzzz I need Mickey to be okay and Ian to be miserable before I got my heart broken in 7x10.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is going to be a multi-chap fic, and it's a reverse IFLH, so Ian's the ghost (only he's in a coma). 
> 
> There's still time to send me prompts for this fic!!  
> Tumblr: cantfuckinbelievethis 
> 
> The prompts that have already been sent that I will be following (some I will be following somewhat loosely) are at the end notes 
> 
> Hope you guys like it! :)

The last memory Ian Gallagher remembered as he slipped into a coma was the look on Mickey Milkovich’s face when he broke up with him. He had looked so fucking destroyed, and Ian had always known it would be something he would regret. Even seeing Mickey in prison, he regretted not what he had done, but the way he had done it. He had needed to be out of a relationship for a while, but he didn’t need to do it like that.  
  
    Still, Mickey was gone now and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn’t let regret stop him from living his life. Mickey was going to be in jail for a long ass time, and he couldn’t go in there and look him in the eye and say he was sorry. He could only do that if they were out in the real world, but Mickey wouldn’t be for _eight years_. Ian had to continue his life without Mickey Milkovich. He just had to.  
  
    Of course, that wasn’t exactly how it went. About a few months after he had visited Mickey in prison and broke it off a second time, he was crossing the street to go to work and had been hit by a car. In some ways, it was lucky that was where he got hit, because all of his EMT co-workers saw it happen and knew what to do. Still, he had been hit pretty hard and ended up going into a coma.  
  
    For the few moments of excruciating pain before he finally went under, he wondered to himself if anyone would tell Mickey. He wondered if Mickey would even care. He thought maybe it was fair, and better, if Mickey didn’t give a shit. Maybe it would be easier on him…to move on, or whatever. Ian didn’t know, but, despite everything that had gone down, he hoped that Mickey wouldn’t care. Maybe, at least for Mickey, it would be finally over.  
  


* * *

  
When he opened his eyes, he frowned in surprise and confusion. He had expected to be in the hospital, or at least still on the road, but he was in a bed and it was dark. He sat up, jumping away in shock when he felt someone shift beside him. He couldn’t see who it was, so he stood and waved his hand around, trying to find a light switch or something, but he felt nothing.  
  
    ‘Who the fuck are you?!’ Ian snapped. ‘Where the hell am I?’  
  
    Suddenly, he could hear the figure sit straight up in bed and he could almost see fists being thrown, but they were nowhere near Ian. He frowned as the figure groaned, putting their hands to their face before turning and switching a light on.  
  
    Ian gaped as he saw who was sitting there, eyes searching the room as if to see if anyone was hiding anywhere. ‘Mickey? What the _fuck_?’  
  
    Only Mickey didn’t reply, he just sighed, rubbing at his face and muttering incoherently to himself.  He looked tired, and a lot thinner than he had when Ian had last seen him. He had some patchy stubble, and his hair was a mess, even worse than bedhead.  
  
    Ian, starting to panic now, stuttered, ‘Mick-Mickey? Mick, what the fuck is going on? Why am I here?’  
  
    Once again, Mickey didn’t reply. He only turned off the light, plunging the whole room into darkness, before settling into bed. Ian could only stare, dumbfounded, at his ex as he drifted to sleep, completely ignoring Ian.  
  
    After a few minutes of Ian just staring in complete confusion, his eyes got used to the darkness and he went to reach for the bedside lamp, only his hand went right through it. ‘What the _fuck_?’  
  
    Letting out a shaky breath, he stumbled back and headed to the door. It was easy to spot since this was a shitty studio apartment. He reached for the door knob, only for his hand to through that as well. Taking a deep breath and trying to calm down, he shut his eyes and stepped forward, opening his eyes again to see he was in the hallway. He had gone _through_ the fucking door. He gulped, really fucking worried now, but just decided that he needed to get home. He would just get out of the building and find a diner or something, ask where he was, and then take a bus home.  
  
    He sprinted down the hallway and down the stairs, gasping as he left the building and went out into the night air. Almost immediately, he spotted a bar that was open down the road and raced down there. No one walking past paid the desperate, running man any attention. Ian stumbled into the bar and headed right to the bartender. He slammed his hands down on the bar, trying to let his eyes adjust to the lights.  
  
    ‘Excuse me, what neighbourhood am I in?’ Ian asked, but the bartender didn’t even look at him. ‘Yo, man, I’m fuckin’ talkin’ to you!’  
  
    The bartender only snorted and called out to someone behind Ian, ‘Hey, man, you hear about that guy that dressed up as a My Little Pony and tried to rob a store? Only in NYC, am I right?’  
  
    Ian’s eyes widened. _NYC?_ Was he in fucking New York? ‘I can’t fucking believe this.’  
  
    ‘I don’t know, Guy. That sounds like some shit that would definitely happen in my old neighbourhood,’ another man replied as he approached, sitting down on a barstool.  
  
    ‘Okay, we get it, weird shit happened in Chicago. Why you gotta ruin all my stories?’ The bartender, apparently called Guy, rolled his eyes. ‘You definitely need to come in here when Mickey’s on. You two would totally hit it off.’  
  
    ‘Mickey?’ Ian asked, forgetting that they couldn’t hear him. ‘Mickey works here?’  
  
    ‘I’ve told you time and time again, man,’ the other man replied. ‘Not looking for a relationship right now. Last one was brutal enough.’  
  
    ‘Dylan, you need to forget about that asshole,’ Guy sighed. ‘Besides, Mick’s not looking for anything serious, either. He just got out of a serious relationship…and prison, but that’s not really a thing.’  
  
    Dylan’s eyebrows raised. ‘Prison?’  
  
    Guy only shrugged. ‘I don’t judge. My old man’s in prison for a ton of shit right now. Anyway, back to my main point, you should meet him!’  
  
    ‘Why don’t you and Jen just keep to your perfect fucking existence and leave the rest of us poor single people alone?’ Dylan teased, taking a sip of his beer. ‘You constantly setting me up is getting old now.’  
  
    Ian, sick of listening to this conversation that was getting him absolutely fucking nowhere, turned and headed out of the bar. He rubbed at his forehead, trying to figure out what to do. He couldn’t talk to anyone, no one could see him, and he couldn’t even pick up anything. Sighing, he just picked a direction and started heading in it. Only, as he was looking at his feet taking the steps to get back home, the ground beneath his feet shifted and turned into ugly carpeting. He was in the pitch black again. Frowning, he let his eyes adjust to the darkness and realised that he was somehow in Mickey’s apartment again. He had snapped back to Mickey…  
  
    ‘Jesus,’ Ian groaned, sitting down on the floor and trying to think of what to do. After a while, he just gave up and decided to wait until morning.  
  


* * *

  
When Mickey finally woke up, Ian tried saying his name again, but he still didn’t respond, he just started to get ready for the day. Ian was thinking of trying to get away again, but didn’t even bother, figuring that he was just stuck to Mickey. So when Mickey left the apartment, Ian just followed him with a sigh.  
  
    As they walked, he just chatted to Mickey, knowing that Mickey couldn’t hear him, but not being able to stand the silence. ‘So when did you get out of prison?’ Ian waited a moment, despite knowing that Mickey couldn’t hear him, before continuing, ‘Nice of you to fucking _contact_ me.’ Ian sighed, rubbing at his forehead as they walked into a clothing store. ‘Guess it’s my fault…Wait, why are we in a clothing store? You hate shopping.’  
  
    Mickey, predictably, didn’t respond and started looking through the clothes, muttering to himself, ‘Something decent…something decent… _fuckin’ decent_.’  
  
    Ian’s eyebrows furrowed as he tried to think of what the fuck Mickey was doing. ‘Mick, what is going on right now?’  
  
    Mickey paused, and for a moment Ian thought maybe he had heard him, but he only picked out a button-down shirt and held it against himself. He looked in a nearby mirror and mumbled, ‘Looks like something that fuckin’ geriatric viagroid would wear. Should be fine.’  
  
    Ian averted his eyes from the mirror, not wanting to look at the blank space where he should be, and blinked in confusion. He understood the reference to Ned, but he had no idea why Mickey wanted to look like him. Ned’s style was _definitely_ not Mickey’s style, which was something Ian liked. The way Mickey looked matched his personality. If he dressed like Ned, he wouldn't be Mickey…and he would kind of look like an asshole.  
  
    Suddenly, Ian spotted a shop assistant eyeing Mickey. It wasn’t in a bad way; no, he was leering. Immediately, Ian’s jaw clenched. He wasn’t sure why. It’s not like he _cared_ that some guy was looking at his ex. He was over Mickey. Sure, he had wanted to apologise, but he didn’t want to get back together. So this wasn’t jealousy or anything like it.  
  
    The shop assistant approached with a small smile. ‘Hey, man, anything I can help you with?’  
  
    Mickey turned, ready with a scowl, but his expression smoothed out when he looked at the shop assistant. Ian wasn’t sure why, but Mickey seemed to very quickly school his features into something more neutral and replied politely, ‘Yeah, thanks. I was wondering if this looked at all…uh…decent? Like, average joe kinda shit?’  
  
    The shop assistant and Ian both blinked in confusion and surprise, but the shop assistant answered, ‘Sure. If that’s what you’re into…but I have a hunch that isn’t really your personal style.’  
  
    That’s when Mickey’s scowl returned and he spat, ‘What the fuck do you mean by that? What the fuck would you know?’  
  
    The shop assistant shrugged, seemingly uncaring about Mickey’s attitude, and said, ‘Look, wear whatever you want to wear, but…are you sure that’s what you want? No one’s trying to pressure you into something you don’t want to do?’  
  
    Mickey snorted. ‘This a shop or a shrink’s office?’  
  
    ‘I’m just curious,’ the shop assistant responded. ‘I know it’s unprofessional, but you’re cute and I’m nosy.’  
  
    Mickey immediately blushed a deep red, frown deepening as he barked, ‘It’s none of your fuckin’ business.’  
  
    The shop assistant bit his lip. ‘Okay. Well, yeah, that does look like something decent…If you want to know where to find similar stuff or when you want to buy it, I’ll be at the counter.’  
  
    The shop assistant strolled away, and Mickey and Ian both watched after him in confusion. Ian laughed. ‘I wonder if everyone in New York is that intrusive.’  
  
    Mickey snorted out a small laugh, but Ian just assumed it was because of his own thoughts since he couldn’t hear Ian. When Mickey finally had a small pile of clothes, he approached the counter and paid for them all with minimal chatting with the shop assistant. Ian couldn’t help but notice that, as they left, the shop assistant had been checking out Mickey’s ass. Rolling his eyes, he followed Mickey back to his apartment.  
  
    He watched from the bed as Mickey tried on the different clothes he’d bought. After each of them, he stared at himself in the mirror with a blank expression before taking it off and going for the next one. Ian’s eye caught Mickey’s tattoo, which was still there, but the ink had ran and it just looked like a blurry jumble of shapes now. Ian bit his lip as Mickey’s eyes caught it, too, and he scowled at himself, pulling on one of his usual t-shirts with the sleeves cut off.  
  
    Mickey sighed deeply, flopping down on the bed and running a hand through his hair. After a moment, his face scrunched up and he rubbed at his eyes, clearly trying to keep the tears in. Ian’s chest ached as he watched Mickey get more and more upset. Ian crawled so he was closer to him, lying down next to him and watching as Mickey picked up his phone.  
  
    Ian could see from his position on the bed as Mickey went into his contact list, which was pretty short, and hovered his thumb over Ian’s name. For a moment, Ian wanted him to click his name. He wanted to see if some strange version of himself picked up, or someone from his family. He wanted to know if they would tell Mickey about him being hit by a car, but Mickey just sniffed and locked his phone, tossing it to the bedside table.  
  
    After a moment, he turned on his side, facing Ian and curling up a little as if getting ready to sleep. He stared through Ian, and it made Ian feel chills down his spine. Mickey couldn’t see him, but it was like they were lying in bed together again. Ian was surprised by how much he had missed that. Ian wasn’t built for being alone. At least, that’s how he felt.  
  
    Soon enough, Mickey’s eyes drifted closed and he started softly snoring. Ian could only stare and wish he could pull him close. Without really thinking about it, he lifted a hand and reached out to touch Mickey’s cheek. When his hand only went through Mickey’s face, Ian’s expression crumbled and he felt sudden sobs wracking his body that he didn’t expect to come.  
  
    This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t right.  
  
    This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of all over the place cos I'm frazzled but I really wanted to distract myself, so I wrote this!
> 
> Also tw for panic attacks + sort of frequent (but not malicious) misgendering! After this, they will both have a handle on proper pronouns, because I hate misgendering, even if it's to show how the characters are having trouble w it. 
> 
> My Tumblr: cantfuckinbelievethis 
> 
> I'm open for prompts again! But only fluffy prompts, because of reasons! You can still send an angsty prompt if you want, but it will unfortunately be put to the backburner in favour of fluffy prompts (which doesn't mean I won't do it, it just means it'll take a while to get to)

The next morning, Ian had the strange feeling he knew what was going on. He’d been hit by a car, but he didn’t feel dead. Strangely enough, he still felt like some part of him was alive, so he could only guess he was either dying or in a coma. It was the only thing that made sense to him. He supposed that meant he was some kind of ghost.  
  
    He had a lot of time to think all of his over, since he apparently didn’t sleep. When he hadn’t slept the night before, he assumed he just wasn’t tired, but he felt tired. He felt like he was going through some kind of mental torture. He was bored and tired and grumpy, and he just wanted it to be over already.  
  
    Mickey got up earlier that morning, immediately having a shower and getting dressed in some of his new clothes before heading out the door. Ian just sighed, slumping on the floor and waiting for him to snap to Mickey. He didn’t feel like getting up and following him. It was ten minutes later that he snapped to Mickey, suddenly appearing on the bar stool next to where Mickey was bartending.  
  
    ‘Mickey, c’mon, I swear to God, you’ll like him,’ Guy said, hand to his chest. ‘Just let me set you up on one date, man. Jen’s going on and on about how lonely you look.’  
  
    Mickey rolled his eyes. ‘Not lonely. And I fuckin’ told you, I’m not…ready or whatever.’  
  
    Guy arched an eyebrow. ‘Not ready for probably the greatest sex of your life? I used to be roommates with the guy…I’ve heard things.’  
  
    Ian could only scoff at this, even if no one could hear him. _Best sex of his life? Yeah, right._  
  
    Mickey sighed deeply. ‘Look, I appreciate you getting me a job and everything—’  
  
    ‘Ig’s my main man,’ Guy interrupted, waving dismissively. ‘Anything for any family of his.’  
  
    ‘…Yeah…anyway, point being, I don’t need your fuckin’ nose in my love life, _thank you_.’  
  
    Suddenly, a door adjacent to the bar slammed open and a black drag queen swanned in, making her way around the bar before settling on a stool in front of the two men. Taking a drag of the cigarette that Ian was sure she wasn’t meant to have in here, she gestured for a drink and Mickey placed one in front of her.  
  
    She downed it before asking, ‘What’s Guy sticking his big nose into now?’ She leant forward, running a flirtatious finger down Mickey’s hand and continuing, ‘He bothering you? C’mon, tell Baby your troubles.’  
  
    ‘You’ll never believe this,’ Guy began. ‘I’m offering Mick the chance to be set up with _Dylan_ , and he’s turning it down. _Dylan_ , Baby!’  
  
    Ian was now sincerely confused about whether Baby was this person’s name or maybe she was the Jen, obviously Guy’s girlfriend, they had been talking about? And, since Guy had a girlfriend, why the fuck was he working in an obvious gay bar?  
  
    She seemed to muse it over for a second before replying, ‘Well, the boy _is_ cute, but if Mickey doesn’t want to be set up, he doesn’t want to be set up.’  
  
    ‘Exactly! Thank you!’ Mickey turned to Guy, gesturing to Baby. ‘She’s right.’  
  
    ‘ _They’re_ right,’ Baby corrected, confusing Ian even more. Was there more than one of her? ‘I’m happy to support you on this, but I will jump right over to Guy’s side if you keep misgendering me, honey.’  
  
    Mickey bit his lip, rubbing the back of his neck. ‘Sorry…I keep fucking it up.’  
  
    Baby shrugged. ‘It’s alright. It can be confusing for a layperson such as yourself to comprehend non-binary.’  
  
    ‘Maybe we should get a spray bottle and every time you get it wrong, we should spray you in the face,’ Guy suggested, cracking up.  
  
    ‘No, all we need is to get honey-bear to go to Pride — introduce him to more of that rainbow.’  
  
    Ian snorted, not understanding himself why he felt the need to reply even though no one could hear him. ‘No way Mickey’s going to _Pride_.’  
  
    ‘No, _thank you_ ,’ Mickey sneered, and Ian was somewhat smug that he immediately knew Mickey’s answer. ‘I’m sick of you all tryin’ to get me _involved_ and settin’ me up on dates.’  
  
    ‘It’s decided: Mickey’s going to Pride!’ Guy announced loudly, throwing his hands up in the air.  
  
    Ian and Mickey both jumped in surprise when the bar cheered in excitement. There were only maybe fifteen or so people in there, but they all seemed pretty thrilled, despite not hearing most of the conversation.  
  
    ‘What kind of fucking place is this?’ Ian frowned.  
  
    ‘I’m not going to fuckin’ Pride!’ Mickey growled. ‘Leave me the hell alone, already!’  
  
    Another man approached from the back, joining in the conversation. He grinned and settled down in a seat next to Baby. ‘Mickey, heard you’re going to Pride.’  
  
    Mickey huffed, nostrils flaring. ‘I will fuckin’ kill _anyone_ who mentions Pride again.’  
  
    The new guy rolled his eyes before smirking at Mickey. Ian tried desperately to ignore how his gaze softened as he looked at Ian’s ex. He was maybe five years older than them, but he was handsome and even Mickey probably couldn’t resist his smile.  
  
    ‘Baby, you’re up in fifteen, so stop fucking drinking. Don’t want you pissed by the time you get up there,’ the new guy ordered and Ian felt like maybe he was their boss. Either that or he was an absolute prick.  
  
    ‘You order us around too much, Nicolás,’ Baby purred as they stood, making their way over to the small stage in the corner to set up.  
  
    ‘Maybe if you guys did your jobs properly, I wouldn’t need to,’ Nicolás teased right back.  
  
    ‘Mmm tell me more, tell me more,’ Guy mocked, leaning in flirtatiously. ‘Am I gonna be spanked?’  
  
    ‘Back off, _gilipollas_ , and get to work,’ Nicolás ordered with a grin. ‘By the way, I’m definitely telling Jen you came onto me.’  
  
    ‘And I will tell her you’re a liar,’ Guy called, flipping him off over his shoulder as he made his way into the back.  
  
    Nicolás rolled his dark eyes and turned back to Mickey, who was awkwardly cleaning glasses and avoiding Nicolás’ eye. ‘Mick, are you sure you don’t want to join for Pride? We’re all going to be going together…It could be fun?’  
  
    Mickey snorted. ‘No, thanks. I’m good.’  
  
    Ian settled down in the stool next to Nicolás, wondering how Mickey of all people became friends with people like this. They seemed all very comfortable with themselves and their sexualities, and that hadn’t really been Mickey. Not in Ian’s eyes, at least. Sure, he got better once he fully came out, but he was still anxious about it. He supposed that could’ve just been because of where they were, though.  
  
    Nicolás eyed Mickey for a moment before sighing. ‘Look, you don’t want to come to Pride? Fine. But at least come to Guy’s party tonight. Everyone’s going since it’s the only night we’re closed and it’s sort of a queer-only party. Well, except for Jen, of course. It’s important to…connect with people like you, that’s all I’m saying.’  
  
    So clearly Guy was queer too, but Ian had no clue how the hell he could be. He had a girlfriend, didn’t he? Unless he was fucking men on the side and Jen didn’t know about it?  
  
    Mickey clenched his jaw, awkwardly continuing his avoidance of eye contact before answering, ‘I—I’ll think about it, alright?’ Finally, he looked at Nicolás properly and said, ‘You’d probably wanna get goin’ now…Guy’s probably fuckin’ around with all your paperwork.’  
  
    Nicolás’ eyes widened and he immediately started heading for the back. Just before he fully left, he stopped and said, ‘Hey Mickey? I like the new shirt.’  
  
    Mickey looked down at his shirt for a moment before smiling slightly, and continuing on with his work. Ian could only stare at him, wondering what the fuck was going on in his mind. Mickey seemed different, somehow. He was still abrasive and bad-tempered, but his new friends didn’t seem to care and he was even considering going to a queer-only party. Ian just wished he could talk to Mickey and ask what the fuck was going on.  
  


* * *

  
Ian really couldn’t believe his eyes as Mickey got ready for the party right in front of him. A few minutes before the end of his shift, he had told Guy that he was coming to the party. Guy had responded with his seemingly usual excitement and said that he would see him there. When Mickey made his way out the door, Ian had waited a few minutes before he got snapped back, and he had heard Guy tell Baby something interesting.  
  
    ‘I’m _so_ inviting Dylan,’ Guy laughed manically. ‘I’ve got you now, Milkovich.’  
  
    ‘He will tear your balls off and wear them as mittens, sugar lips; you mark my words,’ Baby had warned, but grinned while they did.  
  
    Now Mickey was getting ready, and Ian didn’t understand. Mickey would have fought him tooth and nail to get out of going to a party before, and the _one_ gay party he did go with him, he was like a fucking deer in headlights. Ian couldn’t comprehend how the fuck Mickey was so comfortable with these people.  
  
    Mickey was standing in front of the mirror, holding up two different shirts. One was one of his older shirts — a purple dress shirt with the sleeves ripped off — and another was one of the shirts he’d bought recently. It was grey and it would look good on Mickey, but Ian still had this strange urge to grab it off him and toss it in the trash. Letting out a sigh, Ian came over to where Mickey was standing in front of the mirror and stood behind him. He looked up into the mirror and felt a shiver run down his spine when he didn't see himself in it. _Fuck, this is so creepy._  
  
    ‘Why are you here, Mick?’ Ian asked. ‘Why didn’t you come _home_? Why didn’t you fucking… _tell me_ you were out?’ He felt a sinking feeling in his chest and he followed it, slumping down to the floor. ‘Is this some kind of alternate universe where I don’t matter to you? Do you even care that I’m in a fucking coma? What about Yev? Have you even spoken to Svetlana about him at all?’  
  
    Ian knew he didn’t really have the right to be mad about any of this, but he just felt anger rising in his chest and he was angry at the world, and especially at Mickey for fucking everything up. _He_ was the one who completely changed who he was, thinking it would help Ian. _He_ was the one who went to fucking prison like some idiot. _He_ was the one who fucked everything up. They were a family, and now, even being out of prison, he’s abandoned them…for this place, for these people, for _this_ life. Was it so much better without Ian around?  
  
    ‘Thought you fucking loved me,’ Ian murmured, staring at the floor. He refused to look up at Mickey, but he could see the purple shirt, sleeves wonderfully absent, dropping to his feet in rejection.  
  


* * *

  
As they entered the party, Ian could practically _feel_ how tense Mickey was. It was pretty crowded, but Ian recognised a few of the people who had been around the bar. A few people greeted Mickey as he passed and he awkwardly responded. He wasn't really comfortable until he reached the kitchen table where Guy, some girl, some dude, and Nicolás were standing.  
  
    ‘Aye,’ he greeted them, taking the beer Guy offered him.  
  
    The girl — who might have been Malaysian or something, Ian didn’t know — immediately wrapped her arms around him, pressing a kiss into his cheek, which made him scrunch up his face. Ian automatically got images of Svetlana kissing Mickey on the cheek and making that very same face, when they used to be a family— _stop_.  
  
    ‘Mickey, I’m so glad you came!’ the girl cried out. ‘You need to be surrounded by your people!’  
  
    Mickey only cringed slightly before rolling his eyes and saying, ‘Sure, Jen. How do you feel being surrounded by _my people_?’  
  
    ‘I have never been happier to be welcomed into your space,’ she said, grinning.  
  
    ‘Why do I sometimes get a flirtatious feeling about you two?’ Guy interrupted, wrapping his arm around his girlfriend and pretending to eye Mickey in suspicion.  
  
    Mickey snorted. ‘Trust me, I wouldn’t go near your girlfriend’s vagina with a ten foot pole.’  
  
    ‘Fuck you, Mickey! C’mon, babe, let’s go grind,’ Jen cried out before dragging her boyfriend off to dance.  
  
    Ian watched as they started dancing, laughing and joking around, and suddenly felt a rush of annoyance and jealousy towards them. He couldn’t remember the last time he danced with someone like that; someone that he cared about, anyway. He let out a sigh, wishing he could have a drink, before turning back to the others as they started up a new conversation.  
  
    ‘It really is good to see you here, honey,’ the guy said, sounding strangely familiar.  
  
    Mickey smiled slightly. ‘Well, it's fuckin’ weird to see you outta costume, Baby.’ Oh! This was Baby. Ian, much like Mickey, eyed them from head to toe, taking in the suspenders, bowtie, and the fact that their hair is actually buzzed short. ‘You look like a fuckin’ math teacher.’  
  
    ‘Well, _you_ look like a fucking accountant,’ Baby retorted before taking a sip of their drink. ‘You should show a little more skin next time; how do you expect to get laid like that?’  
  
    Mickey shook his head. ‘Not lookin’ to get laid.’  
  
    ‘Everyone’s lookin’ to get laid,’ Nicolás commented. ‘And, from what I’ve heard, everyone’s lookin’ to get _you_ laid. You know Guy invited Dylan tonight, right?’  
  
    Mickey let out a deep sigh, clenching his jaw. ‘Shouldn’t have been surprised…If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go teach that punk a lesson.’  
  
    Ian frowned, watching as Mickey spun around, storming over to Guy, who was still dancing with Jen. He turned back to Baby and Nicolás, who only snickered and tapped the neck of their beer bottles together in a “cheers”. Why weren’t they more worried Mickey was going to punch Guy? These people all seemed pretty calm, not like they would be cool with Mickey beating the shit out of a friend. He quickly turned, following after Mickey to see him yelling at Guy and Guy cracking up.  
  
    ‘Chill out, man,’ Guy responded to something Mickey’d said. ‘You don’t have to fuck him, obviously. I just want you to meet him. He’s a cool guy, a little piece of home for you.’  
  
    ‘You don’t fuckin’ get it,’ Mickey said, ‘I don’t _want_ to be reminded of home!’  
  
    Ian scowled, pretty much shouting, ‘What the fuck does _that_ mean?!’  
  
    Mickey jumped, spinning around and looking… _directly at Ian_. Ian froze, sure Mickey could see him. After a moment, however, Mickey looked confused and his eyes flickered around, trying to find something. Ian gulped, opening his mouth to say something, but before he could, Guy interrupted.  
  
    ‘Mick, are you alright?’ he asked, concerned now. ‘What are you looking for?’  
  
    ‘Hey, Average Joe!’ someone shouted as they came over.  
  
    Mickey and Ian both frowned at the shop assistant who was randomly there, grinning at Mickey and about to talk, when Guy interrupted again.  
  
    ‘Mickey, seriously, are you—’ He reached out and touched Mickey’s shoulder, totally shocked when Mickey spun back around in a panic, punching him full in the face.  
  
    ‘Mickey!’ a bunch of people, including Ian, cried out.  
  
    A few people rushed to Guy’s aid, while Ian came closer to Mickey. He reached out to shove him towards the front door and get him out of here, but his hand went right through Mickey’s torso. Mickey only stared down at Guy, eyes wide and breath coming out quickly and sharply.  
  
    ‘He’s having a fucking panic attack,’ Ian whispered to himself in shock and worry.  
  
    Before Ian could manage to help in any way, Mickey himself turned and raced towards the bathroom. Ian followed, watching as Mickey locked himself in. He sat down on the toilet seat, putting his head between his knees and hyperventilating.  
  
    ‘Fuck,’ Ian gasped, dropping down to his knees in front of Mickey and immediately putting a hand on his knee. ‘Mick, come on. Breathe. Just breathe.’  
  
    After a few moments, Mickey’s breathing started to calm down, but his eyes focused sharply on Ian’s hand. His eyebrows furrowed and he slowly lifted his head. Ian merely stared down at his own hand in shock. He was touching Mickey. He could _feel_ him. He lifted his eyes to meet Mickey’s, but Mickey seemed to be looking right through him. Mickey placed a hand on his own knee, going right through Ian’s, and all of a sudden, Ian couldn’t feel Mickey anymore. Ian felt tears start to sting his eyes as his hand, once again, went right through Mickey.  
  
    ‘Fuck,’ Ian said shakily, watching as Mickey shook himself out of it, taking a deep breath.  
  
    Mickey took a few more moments before standing and unlocking the door. He opened it and they both froze at the man standing outside the door, hand raised as if to open it. Ian frowned, recognising that it was Dylan from the bar. He _really_ hoped that Mickey’s friends hadn’t sent him over here to flirt when Mickey was clearly distressed.  
  
    Dylan seemed to notice Mickey’s red eyes and mumbled, ‘Sorry, man. Just needed to pee.’  
  
    Mickey could only croak out in confusion. ‘Dylan? Dylan fuckin’ Pierce?’  
  
    Dylan’s eyebrows furrowed as he took Mickey in, seeming to realise something. ‘Mickey Milkovich? What the fuck, _you’re_ the Mickey that Guy has been going on about?’  
  
    As the two guys only seemed to be able to stare at each other, Ian could only think: How the _fuck_ did they know each other?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GAHHHH where did this chapter go? This did not end up how I anticipated when I started this chapter, but I hope it's still been enjoyable :) 
> 
> ALSO, I haven't really gotten a handle on writing Ian yet! I haven't properly written post 6x01 Ian (unless it's just been stealing stuff from canon) and I keep getting so wrapped up in Mickey and his new world I keep forgetting I'm supposed to be having Ian witness all this (also it's kind of hard to be on Ian's side in order to get his POV cos it's not like they ever SHOW it) Anyway ahhhhhhh I hope you like it anyway!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to the playlist sad songs on spotify and this happened...

Ian was still pretty lost on how they knew each other. Once Dylan had coaxed Mickey out of the bathroom, assuring him that no one blamed him for what happened, they ended up chatting on the couch. So far, he had gathered that Dylan was in their neighbourhood, but Ian himself had never even seen him, let alone met him. Apparently he ran with the Milkovich crowd for a bit before Ian and Mickey got together, but then he ended up splitting off from drug running and stuff once he got a job in construction. Although Mickey obviously would’ve known him from all that, Ian was still confused because, why was he never mentioned?   
  
    ‘Almost didn’t recognise you,’ Dylan joked, tugging gently at Mickey’s sleeved shirt. ‘Last time I saw you, you’d only see you with sleeves when it was fucking snowing.’   
  
    Mickey snorted. ‘Yeah, I…uh…I’m just trying to be better, you know? Lost someone because of the piece of shit I was, so.’   
  
    Both Ian and Dylan’s face softened, and Ian almost opened his mouth to tell Mickey that he didn’t need to change for him, and it didn’t end because of that, but Dylan beat him to it.   
  
    ‘That’s a shame…’ Dylan said awkwardly. ‘Because, I kinda always liked you the way you are…Ian didn’t seem bothered by it, either, so I don’t think that’s what really happened. I mean, I’m assuming you’re talking about Ian.’   
  
    Ian blinked, wondering how the hell this guy knew about them if Ian had never known about him.   
  
    ‘The fuck do you know about Ian?’ Mickey asked defensively.   
  
    Dylan shrugged. ‘I just kinda witnessed a lot of your relationship—God, that sounds fucking stalkerish, doesn’t it? I mean, like…I once came to the Kash N’ Grab when you guys were working there, but you didn’t notice because you were too busy talking to Ian…At school I once saw you guys fucking under the bleachers. I was also at the party when you came out, man. Your dad invited me to the christening.’   
  
    Mickey blinked. ‘Oh. Fuck. Didn’t even realise.’   
  
    Dylan shrugged again. ‘You were preoccupied.’ Biting his lip, Dylan checked his watch. Ian knew it had been an hour since they had started talking, so it should only be around ten pm. ‘I actually have to head out now…but do you wanna hang out sometime? As friends, I mean, because fuck Guy’s cupid ass.’   
  
    Mickey laughed before nodding. ‘Yeah, sure, man. Give me your number.’   
  
    Dylan typed in his number and Mickey sent him a text before Dylan headed off with a wave. Ian and Mickey sat on the couch for a bit before Mickey sighed and stood, making his way over to a bruised Guy.   
  
    ‘Look, man, I’m fuckin’ sorry,’ Mickey mumbled, staring down at his drink, not quite able to meet Guy’s eyes.   
  
    Ian watched as Guy was silent for a moment, looking down at Mickey with a serious face. His black eye was already almost full-bloom, and Ian worried for a moment that he was going to tell Mickey to fuck off. Almost immediately after that thought, though, Guy’s eyes softened and he reached out, gently touching Mickey’s shoulder. Blinking in surprise, Mickey looked up slowly and met Guy’s eyes.   
  
    Giving Mickey a small grin, Guy wrapped his arms around him and playfully kissed his temple while Mickey grabbed one of his arms hesitantly. ‘Can’t stay mad at you, man. You’re my best friend.’   
  
    ‘I take offence to that!’ Jen called out drunkenly from the kitchen.   
  
    Guy pulled away, leaving a stunned Mickey to stare at his friends who were grouped together in the kitchen. ‘Best friend I haven’t fucked!’   
  
    ‘Well, I mean, it’s not written in stone,’ Nicolás joked and Jen smacked him across the back of the head.   
  
    As Guy went ahead and joined them, Ian watched Mickey stare at the group, looking slightly mesmerised. Ian felt his eyes sting and his chest swell up as Mickey let a small smile cross his face as he joined them in the kitchen.   
  
    ‘So, what was that with you and Dylan?’ Baby teased, nudging Mickey in the side. ‘Has Guy’s meddling finally paid off?’   
  
    ‘Oh, please don’t say that,’ Jen groaned. ‘It’ll only encourage him.’   
  
    ‘Fuck off, all of you,’ Mickey snorted, sitting down on a stool. ‘We’re just friends — realised we already knew each other from the neighbourhood, actually.’   
  
    ‘Huh…’ Nicolás and Guy exchanged a look before Nicolás continued. ‘Wonder if you’re his long-lost crush he told us about one drunken night. Boy was fuckin’ enamorado with this guy.’   
  
    ‘Doubt it,’ Mickey snorted. ‘Wasn’t exactly the type to have a crush on back home.’ 

    Ian really begged to differ. Younger, frecklier him was hopelessly lost on Mickey Milkovich. Weird, he thought Mickey had totally known.

    ‘Oh, my Mickey man,’ Jen sighed, dropping into his lap and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. ‘When are you going to tell us more about your wild youth? I want to know more about a young Mickey with blood on his knuckles and a fierce grin on his lips.’   
  
    ‘Does she always get this fuckin’ poetic when she’s pissed?’ Mickey laughed, holding her steady by her hip as she swayed dangerously with the movement.   
  
    ‘Yeah, it’s sorta beautiful,’ Guy said with hearts in his eyes as he collected his girlfriend. ‘Alright, we should probably get going because I need to put someone to bed.’   
  
    ‘Are we gonna smoosh?’ Jen slurred slightly.   
  
    Guy snorted. ‘Nope. Maybe next time, dude.’   
  
    ‘What’s a gal gotta do to get laid?’ Jen whined as Guy began to guide her out of the apartment.   
  
    The group waved goodbye as they disappeared through the front door. Letting out a sigh and checking the time, Mickey told everyone that he figured he should be getting home. They all complained, but he just flipped them off before heading toward the door. Ian let out a sigh of relief, glad that they were going home.   
  
    It wasn’t because he was tired, even though he was, but he couldn’t get any sleep anyway. No, he was just sick of watching Mickey being fully immersed in this new life. It’s not like he wasn’t happy for him, because he was. It was nice to see Mickey smiling and laughing and having a good time, but, despite all he’d thought up until now, he wished he was a part of it. It was too hard to watch it and know that he would never be a part of it again. He’d never make Mickey laugh or smile again, and he doubted Mickey even cared.   
  
    ‘Hey, Joe!’ the shop assistant from before called out as he approached Mickey.   
  
    Not like the universe was making it any easier on Ian, right?   
  
    ‘What?’ Mickey kinda snapped as he turned around, which somewhat made Ian feel better. ‘My name isn’t Joe, you know that, right?’   
  
    The shop assistant grinned. ‘Yeah, I know. I’m Harry…Just wanted to check to see you’re alright.’   
  
    Mickey groaned and Ian maliciously thought maybe Mickey would finally feel his pain about someone checking on him all the time, even when whatever happened was over now. He then kind of wanted to slap himself for thinking that because it was a completely different situation. Being a ghost made him kind of touchy and pissy.   
  
    ‘I’m fuckin’ fine,’ Mickey growled. ‘Now fuck off.’   
  
    ‘Well, that’s good,’ Harry continued, following Mickey as he stormed out into the hallway. ‘Look…Just seemed like you need to release some tension. Did you want some company back at yours?’   
  
    Ian watched in horror as Mickey’s expression softened slightly. Mickey looked down fucking… _shyly_ and Harry watched with an adoring look. Ian thought he might just throw up.   
  
    ‘Oh…I thought you were gonna make fun of my clothes some more…me wanting to dress differently or fuckin’ whatever.’   
  
    ‘Not here to judge,’ Harry said. ‘Besides, not really interested in how you _dress_ …more interested in what’s happening when you get _undressed_.’   
  
    Mickey snorted, rolling his eyes and seeming to get back some of his confidence. He shoved the guy’s shoulder and Ian felt rage swell up within him at the move. It took him _years_ to get that kind of easy contact from Mickey and now this guy just has to make some cheesy joke, and he got what Ian had fought for?   
  
    ‘That was fuckin’ terrible.’ Mickey grinned. ‘Whatever, man, you can come back if you want.’   
  
    ‘Just warning you — I don’t bottom,’ Harry quickly said just before Mickey started moving again.   
  
    Mickey paused, and Ian felt delight flutter through him as he knew this would be the moment Mickey changed his mind. Mickey didn’t bottom with people he didn’t know. As far as Ian knew, Mickey didn’t bottom with anyone who wasn’t Ian.   
  
    ‘Good,’ Mickey said simply, turning to head down the hall. ‘I don’t fuckin’ top.’   
  
    Harry stumbled after Mickey almost excitedly as Ian watched, frozen, at the end of the hall. He watched as they disappeared around the corner, only white noise flowing through his brain. He could barely think as he snapped back to Mickey, time and time again. As they grew closer to Mickey’s apartment, Ian dropped to the ground and tried to cling to the sidewalk. He refused to go with them and see what was about to happen. No matter what he did, though, he continued to snap back to Mickey.   
  
    In the hallway to Mickey’s apartment, Ian gripped the carpet in shock as an invisible force dragged him instead. He hissed in pain as his fingernails scraped against the carpet. He lifted his hands, but still got carpet burn as he was dragged up to the door, which was shut in his face. He let out a loud gasp as he actually _hit_ the door. He wasn’t sure if he was worried or relieved, but either way, he stood and ran.   
  
    He ran and ran and ran. Until he couldn’t feel his legs and until he hit a wall…literally. He hit another invisible force and collapsed on the sidewalk, outside of the bar where Mickey worked. He let himself stand and walk through the bar’s wall. It was empty since everyone was at the party, which Ian figured was no way to run a business, but whatever. He bit his lip, letting himself drop to the dark ground under the bar. Leaning against it, he finally let himself cry.   
  
    For some reason, the only memory playing through his mind was their break up. Mickey saying ‘ _I love you_.’ The first time he said it and Ian didn’t say it back. He couldn’t believe what an unbelievable asshole he’d been. How much he had lied to himself and Mickey, hurting them both in the process. In all the ways he had imagined Mickey telling him he loved him, it had never been like that.   
  
    Everyday, in his mind, Mickey had told Ian he loved him, but it had never been like that.   
  
    Ian had never not said it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this still won't be updated regularly as I am busier than ever! hope you enjoy the randomly added chapter, though :) (also i'm planning on finishing all my unfinished fics/prompts, so don't worry, I won't leave you hanging!) 
> 
> ALSO! In this fic, Ian never heard the voicemail Mickey left - so the break up was the first time he heard Mickey say I love you. 
> 
> PPS. Get it, Harry!!

**Author's Note:**

> Reverse IFLH : I'm an angst-slut, so I was thinking Mickey might want to make himself "good enough" for Ian? Say after he gets out of prison he tries to be someone he's not, desperate to be a "decent guy" that Ian will take back, all coz he blames himself for Ian abandoning him, until someone comes along and tells him otherwise. 
> 
> Reverse IFLH: if Mickey eventually moves on, it'd be quite interesting for that guy to be a bamf who happens to be Mickey's nemesis since childhood, deep in the closet and that's why he did nothing but watch all the Gallavich drama even though he's loved Mickey all along. Mickey'd be like wtf are you doing dude when he finally mans up and takes Ian's place. This is probably a cheesy teen movie plot? Lmao but I wish this helps inspire you in the character building, however little it may help. 
> 
> Reverse IFLH: I feel like Mickey would work as a bartender in a gay club but not like the fairytale. No obvious drug use/back room. The boss is kind of a hardass and tells everybody he doesn't give a shit what they do in their freetime just don't do it in his club. He also maybe has a lil bit of a crush on Mickey so he lets Mickey get away with more shit than the other guys. (Prob wouldn't be necessary to the plot at all I just want hot boys to appreciate Mickey)
> 
> Reverse IFLH: my headcanon of Mickeys new life should include him exploring the gay community, making friends, getting his hot ass worshipped or whatever, he just doesn't know what it's like to be openly gay outside of Southside, and isnt that adorable? I mean, just look at the loft scene, he's like a deer in the freaking light<3 
> 
> reverse IFLH: I was just reading "This Moment" by AnotherGallavichLove, in which Terry is a ooc super protective father. And I thought, what if a lot happened to Terry during his disappearance in the show since the come-out scene and he came back trying to do right by Mickey? I know this is pretty far-fetched but Mickey deserves a miracle for him to regain hope in his post-jail life right? 
> 
> reverseIFLH: I am excited AF now that you have officially started this fic!!! So I don't know if this is too late but I would really want to see Mickey have a father figure, maybe his PO or something, who treats him like a son and swears to kick Ian's ass for him.


End file.
